Having Faith..

What is faith? It is the confident assurance that something we want is going to happen. It is the certainty that what we hope for is waiting for us, even though we cannot see it up ahead. - Hebrews 11,verse 1

I haven't been to this blog for a long time, but looking at the pictures already posted gives me needed encouragement to continue writing Update on Zack. When Zack and I discussed taking all the prayer request and update emails over the course of his battle with cancer, and putting them together in a book, three things were the most important to him:

1. That the story gives thanks to God for all the help, comfort and miracles that we had,

2. That it gives hope and encouragement to others going through illness, and


3. That 10% of the profits go to M. D. Anderson for Pediatric/ Adolescent Brain Cancer research.

I have felt sure that this is something that needs to be done, that God has given me this honor and responsibiity to help others. Zack was precious, but so are so many other kids who are fighting cancer, and it is not only to Zack's memory and God that I owe my effort. I've been afraid that my procrastination would in some way keep this from happening. Every week that went by, I was sure that I would miss the window for when the book should be written, and would have the moment pass me by.

I have a box somewhere, that has fabric and patterns for make-belive clothes and quilts, so many projects that I had planned to do when Arie and Zack were little and I got all the stuff, but never did them. It is so poignant to see the sheer, sparkly fabric, the cute Fairy Princess prints and know that time has passed me by. Even worse, Zack had collected patches from everywhere we went on travels. He had dozens. I promised him I would make a denim pillow case for his floor pillow and sew them on, so he could see where he'd been and could add patches for all the places he went later. I had the fabric and the material all together, but never made it. When Zack became sick, I wanted to make it for him even more, but I didn't. Now it's too late - the fabric and patches bring a mingled sadness tempered with happiness at all the places he did get to go and all the projects I did actually accomplish. I had great intentions and great plans for delighting my kids, but did not follow through on a lot. I didn't want the book to become that and was so afraid that my incompetence, inaction, lack of organization, and depression would doom the project.

Recently though, I've realized that, once again, God's timing is not mine and I was being pretty arrogant. This is something that God has given me to do, but He knows me. I really don't think my procrastination, et al is a surprise to God. He knows me pretty well, having created me. I needed the time to grieve, to put things in a different perspective, to discover other issues that should also be included. I wasn't putting off the book - well, I was - but God was using His knowledge that I would put it off, to show me what else is important. I really feel that not only should this be the story of our journey, but also a resource for other parents. I need to include a part about after the funeral, about family dynamics, about divorce rates for parents who lose children.

So, that's what I'm going to do. Please join me as I head down this different path, which is really not different after all, but is just what was planned - I should have had faith.